We Are Married

Here is a story about a woman who believed in herself: She excelled in her career life. She carried the team with her heart. She marked the path so people could follow. But, one day, a fog surrounded her. At first, she used her skills to clear her path. When it failed, she equipped herself with her familiar weapons. When that failed too, she searched within herself and tried the strategies taught to her but she never executedd before. However, those failed, too. Now, she was where she feared most: Lost.  She, was, just, lost.  Lost; that void which she never imagined she would be in. What now? When all your coping skills seemed to fail and your self-confidence shattered, where do you go? *** Early this year, a few of my colleagues left. Some retired, some moved to another workplace and some got their specialists' postings. All of them, of course, were moving to unfamiliar place. But, after they left, I realized that I was, too, moved to an unfamiliar place to me. All of them w...

Recently, I was a part of a team investigating a complaint against a manager made by her team members. After the investigation, we concluded that the manager had a personality issue where she was an overbearing manager and easily-influenced by gossip. We suggested that she attended counselling and transferred to another workplace in order to restore the harmony.  This was when a dinosaur came. This dinosaur decided to interfere and forced us to change our decision to a more "pre-historic" style. I decided to write a poem about it. (Gemini rated it 8.5/10 lols) A Dinosaur  I met a dinosaur today During my hero's journey It told me to  Stomp the ground and fell the trees To clear the path Roar loudly and tower tall To claim my ground I cowered at its presence until I looked below— and saw the earth Filled with flowers I realized The bees claimed the ground  With no footsteps silently spreading beauty Bringing life and the ground become theirs I knew then The hero that ...

Eid is about winning - the celebration for Muslims who succeeded in conquering their worldly wants and ego during Ramadhan. But it does not always feel like a happy occasion for some. I had a very interesting Eid this year (maybe because I took leave for one whole week and accidentally became the main adult in the house 😒) My beloved grandmother passed away in 2020 on the evening of the first day of Eid. She was our matriarch, and it was hard adjusting to our lives without her. Eid and Ramadhan were always her thing - she would plan all the meals and celebrations, the house visits, the guests' schedules and all the other important stuff. We all miss her, of course: my parents, my aunts and uncles, my siblings, my children, my cousins, and all those who knew her. But I think that hiding in grief would be an insult to her memory. She was always someone who was welcoming whenever guests were over - nothing made her happier than meeting her relatives and friends and making sure they h...

These past few months, we handled 2 cases of employees with chronic conditions that felt like they were mistreated. One complained that her medical leave certificate was rejected, and another complained that she was unfairly transferred out of her department.  As we dived into the cases, I noticed that some managers tend to not have the courtesy, or should I say, bravery , to take the lead in discussing the chronic conditions together with the employees. Some managers just take the chronic condition at face value, some did not even bother to actually confirm the condition and just accept rumours, and not doing anything to help. Of course, it is understandable to think that by acknowledging the condition, the employees may "bully" the managers to get what they want. But, some employees with chronic conditions may actually need genuine help, and we may miss this group of people. Having a chronic medical condition, be it physical or mental, is not something someone wishes upon t...

 When I went for an interview to enter a training program for public health, I was asked, "Won't you miss clinical work?" - which is a common question that is asked during recruitment interview for this program because public health is not considered as "clinical" work.  The reason why this question is always asked is because the common understanding is that "clinical" work means working directly or one-to-one with patients. But, public health does not necessarily work with patients or people who are sick, but also with people who are healthy and a whole population. Plan of management for public health depends on the common norms and behaviors in a certain population and not individual. Of course, the most obvious reason why public health is not "clinical" is because public health does not work in a clinic 👀 So, have I missed "clinical"? The answer is yes and no. What I do miss about "clinical" work would be meeting patie...

I recently read  Surrounded By Idiots by Thomas Erikson . It is a commentary and analysis of human behavior using the DISC Assessment . As I was reading, naturally, I began to assess myself. I thought I was a Green/Blue - turns out I am a Blue, with a high degree of Red. Haha...I guess Reds really do not know themselves. But, as I thought more about it, I think people have different personalities when dealing with different situations. Especially in a more "traditional" culture as the one we have here in Southeast Asia where speaking out and initiating conflicts can be considered sinful, people tend to be chameleons.  As the book focused on the dynamic and personalities in the workplace, now, that I think about it...yes, I am a Blue/Red in the office. I love doing data analysis to guide decision-making and I need a high level of convincing to change my thoughts. I can only work with *certain* people - I work best with high performers as I have very very low patience level at ...

Starting at a new workplace is always scary - especially in a setting that you have never worked at before. I was a house officer in hospital and a medical officer in emergency department, MCH clinic and outpatient clinic. Then, became a medical officer in-charge for 5 years. In conclusion, I have worked with patients and a team of different professions for the past 10 years. Now, my work involves various ranks of professions (specialists, medical officers, nurses), other departments (eg state health dept), planning and data analysis...and no patients directly. When I first started, it was already the last quarter of 2023. So, naturally, all the plans were laid out and all I had to do was follow them. I was lucky that my predecessor was still in the same office as me, so I got to ask him anything. I was familiar with the bulk of things because I was an MCH medical officer at a clinic before. But, I did not realize how extensive the program had gotten for the past 5 years. It was huge. ...

Dearest had a mental breakdown last night because he was scared that I will be angry with him because he was going back to working shift hours. Okay, this needs some background. When both of our kids were less than 5 years old, I was working office hours and he was working ED (emergency department) shift. It was especially hard for me because both kids needed extra care and attention and I needed to get out to work before 7am every morning to beat the morning traffic. So, of course, it was hard for me especially when he was not around in the morning when I had to rush to prepare them for daycare. It was also hard for me because most of my weekend was spent on doing house chores that I could not get done during the weekdays due to tiredness. Naturally, I was tired all the time...and he was tired all the time, too, due to the irregular working hours. This went on for about 2 years, then I moved to a nearer workplace...but with shift hours too 😅 but, the kids were easier to manage as I d...

I was a boss for five years in a small unit which consisted about 20 staff at a time. I started as a novice and was never provided any training whether in administrations, operations or leadership. My predecessor chose me and she passed over to me without any proper written note. Then, I received a letter and started the work. I always think about this today; how I had to learn everything myself. I decided I was not going to do that to my successor. I spent about one month to complete my task list to pass over to the next boss. I started early because I knew that most of the tasks are done monthly and I wanted to make sure I did not miss anything. A smooth transition is, after all, important as it ensures the continuity of a unit's operations.  But, as I completed my list, I realized that there are things that you cannot really pass over. The intangibilities, such as, your way of thinking and problem-solving, the work culture you cultivated within the unit and your leadership, are ...

I was slacking last month due to emotional and personal reasons; I really wanted to get out of my current workplace and I knew that this month will be hell to go through. So, I let myself dwell in the misery of wondering what hell the month would be. The result was I slacked in the workplace for one whole month. The upside? My subordinates were happy because I was not my usual disciplined self. Yeay for them. Then, July came and it did bring with it the hell that I predicted. And some. Thankfully, I read this in Harvard Business Review's Instagram page  which was adapted from “Emotional Agility,” by Susan David and Christina Congleton : Leaders stumble not because they have undesirable thoughts and feelings - that's inevitable - but because they get hooked by them like fish caught in a line .   I realized that I was being emotionally rigid - I did not allow my emotions to change in order to adapt to the situation I faced. I dwelled on my negative thoughts and emotions because...

This morning as I was leaving for work, I overheard my elder daughter asked Dearest, "Don't you have school holidays?". As I closed the house door, I thought, I WISH we have one, too, dear. Being children of parents who do not have a traditional 8 to 5 with weekends off work schedule, my children usually are not bothered about holidays and weekends. But, as the elder one entered primary school, I think she has developed an understanding about a typical week schedule. She must have found it weird when she had to explain to her friends that she spent the weekend at her grandparents' house because her parents were working. Also, how both she and her brother had to stay at daycare until 9pm some nights because both of her parents were working a PM shift.  I do think about the impact that this disorganised daily / weekly schedule has on my children. I recently read Angela Duckworth's Grit  and...it is not entering my favourite books list. This is mainly because her wri...

Adam Grant tweeted: And it hit me: If the bosses were being problematic and the toxic culture somehow spilled into my workplace (which is physically not in the same place as the top management office), it is NOT my job to fix it. My job is to protect and support my team, not hope or try to change the bosses' attitude. If the bosses somehow have other (boring) priorities, I can voice out my opinion and just accept it when they denied my request.  I was only 30 when I took up this manager post. I did not have any prior experience as a manager and I always tried my best to please the bosses. I only took the post because I was looking for challenge. I thought that winning each battle was the top priority. I only changed after I enrolled in MBA, especially after learning about organizational behaviour. As fate has it, in this department there was an MBA program for medical officers interested in management. I started my course and fell head over heels in love with it. I graduated with ...

During a recent read, I learned about the Cynefin Framework: (Source: HBR article here ) I think this is an interesting framework. It helps me to categorize each conflict and how best to first approach it. The framework arranges the steps in order of priority for each category.  There are four areas in which I can classify a problem which I am facing: Simple, Chaos, Complicated, Complex and Disorder. In each area, except for Disorder, the responses are arranged in the order in which one we should do first.  Simple problems are problems which we have faced before and we have already formed a strategy to solve previously, which are our "Best Practice". In facing a Simple problem, we first have to sense it, which means recognizing it as a problem that we have a strategy for. We then categorize the problem to respond to it with our Best Practice. For example, in an outpatient clinic, a patient comes with fever and the doctor senses and categorizes the fever and responds with a tr...

After you got married and met with each other's families, you may notice huge differences between the both of you. As time goes by, you begin to understand where each other came from and what shaped this person who you fell in love with. Some may be easily understood while others you may not be able to fathom until the end. Some traditions  may be so different from yours, it ends up being pet peeves. But, ultimately, those matters should not make you love the person any lesser. Adapting with each other is always a challenge. I think it is especially important that you truly adapt to living with one another before you decide to have children. I am lucky that between my husband and me, we can truly talk about anything. We even discussed when we plan to have children before we got married (We're both doctors, remember? So we are control freak professionals). I can ask him anything about everything.  Dearest grew up in different places even before we met in 2002, when we were both...

 One of my good friend at work lost her husband one month ago. It was so sudden, unexpected. They were married for 5 years. She had him for 5 good years. She came back to work today and we talked about her. I let her talk about anything she wanted. I only answered if she asked. For the rest of the time, I just let her talk. She talked about those last few days of his life, the moment she knew he was gone and all other things. She asked me, "What is the reason for all this? Why did he have to die?" ...she asked, so I had to answer. I thought about it for awhile. I answered  that in our religion, we do not focus on the why. We do not dwell to search for the reason why it happened. But, we focus on the things that happen after a bad event. We try to find...I could not find the correct word. I said "benefit" but I meant "hikmah". So, what is hikmah? I went back home and kept thinking about it; how to explain "hikmah" to a person with another religion...

 If you are married to a doctor, chances are your partner had cancelled plans before, numerous times, even during the most important plans. I know. I have been that partner and the person left behind. But, know this, it can get better if you want it to get better. Early in medical career, a doctor may not have much choice in their work. In Malaysia, as a house officer who is in training, you are mandated to go through six (6) different postings in order to get your full practicing certificate. Throughout that two years (or more) of training, you are the lowest of lows; expected to do all the work. Literally. Like when there are no attendants (for whatever reason) to push the patient to the radiology department, a house officer is expected to do that. Okay anyways. During this time, if you are married or have a partner, your partner will begin to develop this skill of making last minute plans. The plans include plans when you cancel and plans when you are suddenly available. Everyth...

One of the books that helped me with handling difficult situation is Option B by Sheryl Sandberg. In the book, she chronicled her journey as she navigated her way through her husband's loss. She described how other people interacted with her and all the things she learned by facing the most devastating tragedy a wife can imagine.  In one of the chapters, she talked about how in the hospital, one of her friends bought food for her despite her refusal. She wrote that during grief, if the person in grief is a close friend and you know the person well, you should just help the person out. Just buy him or her food or coffee and come to their house to help out. Do not wait for an invitation. The focus of the book was the grief of losing someone you love. However, the lessons from the book could be applied to other forms of sadness. After all, each of us may experience grief during different situations in life. A colleague's betrayal causes grief, failing an exam can be grief and just...

 Speaking straight does not come naturally. Especially in a society where we were always taught to "cakap berlapis" - which is a term telling people to "cover" your speech. Speaking straight is not generally celebrated in Malaysian culture, I think. People who speaks directly were often labelled as rude.  However, social medias such as Twitter have created a platform for people to speak their minds more openly. But that is in the internet. In reality, we still practice speaking our thoughts in an indirect way in general. As a married couple, I find speaking straight is easy to practice when both of you use the same pop culture reference. It's true, alright? We are a generation who grew up watching Hollywood movies, anime and have fandoms. It is lucky that both of us are (mostly) into the same things. So, when we have to explain our feelings or a situation, we use movies or series as reference. Because speaking directly is just NOT easy. But, sometimes, speaking ...

I attended MBA in Universiti Teknologi Malaysia (UTM) in one of their "persisir" or you can call it outcampus program where they conduct classes for special group of students in a department like in the state health department. It was a great experience, despite having to postpone studies due to Covid-19 and going online after that. My first subject was marketing. It was quite hard at that time because I did not have any idea regarding all those business terms and words and calculations etc. I think everyone struggled during that time. But, our lecturer was super duper amazing and was very tolerant and patient with us 😅 Like seriously we were super duper blur and confused most of the time, she had to teach us the basics of finance and accounting during the first class. Then we had accounting for decision making, economics, finance management and others. I think the most important thing I learned from MBA is how to "unlearn" things. This MBA program helped me to see...

Being married has its hard times; those times when you feel like you cannot take it anymore, the times when you just have to go crazy and let it all out. Those hard times carry their own benefits. One of them is that you learn how to handle your emotions and how to express your feelings. Because, after that, you regain your senses again and both of you can talk it out. After all, we are just being real human beings. But, being married doctors have its own hardships. Especially when both of your schedules do not allow you to spend more than 4 hours together in a day and you just cannot do anything about it. During those times when you are left alone, the only thing you can do is try your hardest to occupy your time with the various distractions you have around the house. That is the time when you tweet with your iPad and blog with your laptop at the same time. Haha. To tell you the truth, being married HOs is amazing. Why? Because you will always have someone by your side that ac...