This morning as I was leaving for work, I overheard my elder daughter asked Dearest, "Don't you have school holidays?". As I closed the house door, I thought, I WISH we have one, too, dear.
Being children of parents who do not have a traditional 8 to 5 with weekends off work schedule, my children usually are not bothered about holidays and weekends. But, as the elder one entered primary school, I think she has developed an understanding about a typical week schedule. She must have found it weird when she had to explain to her friends that she spent the weekend at her grandparents' house because her parents were working. Also, how both she and her brother had to stay at daycare until 9pm some nights because both of her parents were working a PM shift.
I do think about the impact that this disorganised daily / weekly schedule has on my children.
I recently read Angela Duckworth's Grit and...it is not entering my favourite books list. This is mainly because her writing style makes her look like she is trying to copy Adam Grant too much and at times she just goes on and on without a real conclusion. I found that the point she is trying to make just gets lost in all the examples and conversations she mentioned and her points are some times repetitive. Well, this is how I feel about the book. The main reason I bought that was to look for evidence is a disorganised schedule will disrupt a child's development and behaviour, especially their ability to withstand pressure.
I finished the book, of couse, so *I* (emphasize on this - this is what *I* learned) learned that Grit is about enduring all the hard work that is needed to become better at something. Also, parenting styles - supportive vs demanding. I learned that if you have the correct balance between being supportive and demanding, it does not matter about the schedule. The book also emphasized on the importance of a co-curriculum - an activity outside of school, like sports or arts. The important aspect of this was to make your child stay in it for at least 1 year. There were also other things like deliberate practice and talent vs practice etc.
Parents always worry about their parenting style and whether they are doing enough. Parents with shift working hours are more worried, I think, because they think they are doing much less when compared to their peers who work 8 to 5. I read behavioural books (whether personal or organizational) because of this worry. I worry that I may not be spending enough time, I worry that this stress of not having a traditional week schedule will force my kids to mature prematurely and I worry that they will grow up being disorganized or I might miss a developmental delay especially psychological delay.
Okay breathe. Okay, so what do we do?
What I notice is that my children do not really care about what physical time that we are there for them, it is more about when, in an intangible way. For example, they care about when you eat dinner with them, but it does not matter if dinner was at 6pm or 10pm. They care that you said "good night" to them, but it did not matter that bedtime was 9pm or 11pm. So, some things are still constant but not tied to the clock. I try to make an "intangible schedule" - when I work AM shift, I make sure I spend dinner with them and check their school works (if they let me and if they actually remember there are school work to be done haha). If I work PM shift, I make sure that I still wake up to make breakfast and ask them about their day the next morning.
It is also important to brief them about the week / day daily. I find that my children are more emotionally-regulated if they know beforehand what to expect of their days. If you have made plans for the weekend, tell them about it. Try and find activities that you think they would not want to miss, like a new movie or a new park, and make some time to bring them there. If you have no idea, you can always ask your colleagues or just ask the kids.
Last but not least, having colleagues and friends who can relate to your situation is essential. But, beware of the people who just like to compare miseries because they are just the worst kind of people. Also, stay alert of people who are gaslighting you or your partner. Remember, your emotions are yours and nothing wrong for you to feel them. Own your emotions.
Our experiences in life are what made each of us special. As long as your children smile when they see you, you are doing GREAT!
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