When You Are Only Kinda Okay

Here is a story about a woman who believed in herself:

She excelled in her career life. She carried the team with her heart. She marked the path so people could follow.

But, one day, a fog surrounded her.

At first, she used her skills to clear her path. When it failed, she equipped herself with her familiar weapons. When that failed too, she searched within herself and tried the strategies taught to her but she never executedd before. However, those failed, too.

Now, she was where she feared most: Lost.

She, was, just, lost.

Lost; that void which she never imagined she would be in.

What now?

When all your coping skills seemed to fail and your self-confidence shattered, where do you go?

***

Early this year, a few of my colleagues left. Some retired, some moved to another workplace and some got their specialists' postings. All of them, of course, were moving to unfamiliar place. But, after they left, I realized that I was, too, moved to an unfamiliar place to me. All of them were essential pieces in my everyday work life. Now, with them gone, I did not know how to survive.

At the same time, a new boss entered. Here I was: grieving and still had to pull myself together for the team. I pulled out all of my tools and summoned all my skills to get myself through this.

At first, it seemed okay. But later it was evident that I was breaking apart. The breaking apart was initially silent, then it became loud and clear; my heart raced when I arrived at work, my mind blanked out in front of the laptop, my hands became cold and all my tasks were unfinished.

Then, I started questioning myself - am I even as good as I thought I was?

The person who gave me clarity was Dearest - he said, in the most blue (ref: DISC personality) way, "You are having anxiety." ...and I went ooooooohhhhhhhhh that makes sense, thank you very much. Now, I know where to go.

So, I tried:

Breathing
Touch a physical object and list 3 features
Focus on 1 task at a time
Gaining clarity from AI who is supposed to be non-judgemental

But really, what healed me was meeting with my support system; the very friends who moved away.

In the end, keeping human connections and being there for each other were the best way to get guidance.

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