We Are Married

Adam Grant tweeted: And it hit me: If the bosses were being problematic and the toxic culture somehow spilled into my workplace (which is physically not in the same place as the top management office), it is NOT my job to fix it. My job is to protect and support my team, not hope or try to change the bosses' attitude. If the bosses somehow have other (boring) priorities, I can voice out my opinion and just accept it when they denied my request.  I was only 30 when I took up this manager post. I did not have any prior experience as a manager and I always tried my best to please the bosses. I only took the post because I was looking for challenge. I thought that winning each battle was the top priority. I only changed after I enrolled in MBA, especially after learning about organizational behaviour. As fate has it, in this department there was an MBA program for medical officers interested in management. I started my course and fell head over heels in love with it. I graduated with ...

During a recent read, I learned about the Cynefin Framework: (Source: HBR article here ) I think this is an interesting framework. It helps me to categorize each conflict and how best to first approach it. The framework arranges the steps in order of priority for each category.  There are four areas in which I can classify a problem which I am facing: Simple, Chaos, Complicated, Complex and Disorder. In each area, except for Disorder, the responses are arranged in the order in which one we should do first.  Simple problems are problems which we have faced before and we have already formed a strategy to solve previously, which are our "Best Practice". In facing a Simple problem, we first have to sense it, which means recognizing it as a problem that we have a strategy for. We then categorize the problem to respond to it with our Best Practice. For example, in an outpatient clinic, a patient comes with fever and the doctor senses and categorizes the fever and responds with a tr...

After you got married and met with each other's families, you may notice huge differences between the both of you. As time goes by, you begin to understand where each other came from and what shaped this person who you fell in love with. Some may be easily understood while others you may not be able to fathom until the end. Some traditions  may be so different from yours, it ends up being pet peeves. But, ultimately, those matters should not make you love the person any lesser. Adapting with each other is always a challenge. I think it is especially important that you truly adapt to living with one another before you decide to have children. I am lucky that between my husband and me, we can truly talk about anything. We even discussed when we plan to have children before we got married (We're both doctors, remember? So we are control freak professionals). I can ask him anything about everything.  Dearest grew up in different places even before we met in 2002, when we were both...

 One of my good friend at work lost her husband one month ago. It was so sudden, unexpected. They were married for 5 years. She had him for 5 good years. She came back to work today and we talked about her. I let her talk about anything she wanted. I only answered if she asked. For the rest of the time, I just let her talk. She talked about those last few days of his life, the moment she knew he was gone and all other things. She asked me, "What is the reason for all this? Why did he have to die?" ...she asked, so I had to answer. I thought about it for awhile. I answered  that in our religion, we do not focus on the why. We do not dwell to search for the reason why it happened. But, we focus on the things that happen after a bad event. We try to find...I could not find the correct word. I said "benefit" but I meant "hikmah". So, what is hikmah? I went back home and kept thinking about it; how to explain "hikmah" to a person with another religion...

 If you are married to a doctor, chances are your partner had cancelled plans before, numerous times, even during the most important plans. I know. I have been that partner and the person left behind. But, know this, it can get better if you want it to get better. Early in medical career, a doctor may not have much choice in their work. In Malaysia, as a house officer who is in training, you are mandated to go through six (6) different postings in order to get your full practicing certificate. Throughout that two years (or more) of training, you are the lowest of lows; expected to do all the work. Literally. Like when there are no attendants (for whatever reason) to push the patient to the radiology department, a house officer is expected to do that. Okay anyways. During this time, if you are married or have a partner, your partner will begin to develop this skill of making last minute plans. The plans include plans when you cancel and plans when you are suddenly available. Everyth...

One of the books that helped me with handling difficult situation is Option B by Sheryl Sandberg. In the book, she chronicled her journey as she navigated her way through her husband's loss. She described how other people interacted with her and all the things she learned by facing the most devastating tragedy a wife can imagine.  In one of the chapters, she talked about how in the hospital, one of her friends bought food for her despite her refusal. She wrote that during grief, if the person in grief is a close friend and you know the person well, you should just help the person out. Just buy him or her food or coffee and come to their house to help out. Do not wait for an invitation. The focus of the book was the grief of losing someone you love. However, the lessons from the book could be applied to other forms of sadness. After all, each of us may experience grief during different situations in life. A colleague's betrayal causes grief, failing an exam can be grief and just...

 Speaking straight does not come naturally. Especially in a society where we were always taught to "cakap berlapis" - which is a term telling people to "cover" your speech. Speaking straight is not generally celebrated in Malaysian culture, I think. People who speaks directly were often labelled as rude.  However, social medias such as Twitter have created a platform for people to speak their minds more openly. But that is in the internet. In reality, we still practice speaking our thoughts in an indirect way in general. As a married couple, I find speaking straight is easy to practice when both of you use the same pop culture reference. It's true, alright? We are a generation who grew up watching Hollywood movies, anime and have fandoms. It is lucky that both of us are (mostly) into the same things. So, when we have to explain our feelings or a situation, we use movies or series as reference. Because speaking directly is just NOT easy. But, sometimes, speaking ...